By Amber Jarman-Crainey

Until you experience grief, I don’t think you can truly prepare yourself for what’s to come. I remember thinking about my loved ones dying when I was younger and how sad I would be. Realistically, those thoughts were far from reality. My personal experience with grief was instant. Within a second of being told my brother had passed, I lost full control to the powerful emotion that I now know as ‘grief’.

Some of the most challenging physical side effects of grief that I experienced were uncontrollable panic attacks. Family would reassure me that I would be ok, it was ‘only a panic attack’. I would google what a panic attack was meant to feel like. I would frantically scroll to the same list of NHS ‘symptoms’. They were very different to what I was experiencing, which increased my panic even more. I did not realise how isolating panic attacks can make you feel. They prevented me from engaging in social situations, travelling
on public transport and being anywhere I felt confined. I went from not worrying about these sorts of situations to overthinking how I would get somewhere and how would I cope if I had an attack.

I started to feel like grief was navigating my life. I felt abnormal. Why wasn’t my grief not fitting into the ‘normal’ stages of grieving?

I tried to understand how panic attacks, skin rashes, hair loss amongst multiple other reactions could be connected to losing my brother. Why could I not stop this from happening to me? I started to feel like grief was navigating my life. I felt abnormal. Why wasn’t my grief not fitting into the ‘normal’ stages of grieving?

It took me a lot of time before I reached out for help. I wanted to make myself better. It took a series of grievances including losing my great aunt, going through a major breakup and being unhappy in my career, to make me realise I could not keep putting my body through this. My GP suggested two things to help me cope. Firstly, a series of talking therapy sessions and secondly an antidepressant. After accepting and attending the course of talking therapy I knew this was not the route for me. I did not feel understood and found it hard to express myself through words. I still was against the antidepressants so early on and asked for alternative options. The GP said these were the only options they could provide.

I found it challenging to think I was being told these were my only options, I started to delve into my passions and creative outlets, dance, art and fitness. I did later start taking an antidepressant, which did help to stabilise my panic. I knew it was a temporary measure, but it allowed me to get the most out of the creative therapies that I had anchored within my week.

By attending weekly dance class I felt instantly that I could express myself through an art form I understood and was comfortable to me. It also took away any pressure of having to talk to anyone or overthink. It was an hour and a half dedicated to me, my mind and body, no judgement, just letting go and moving.

I started to draft ideas of an immersive theatre show where the audience would be able to enter a sensory world and gain insight into multiple stories and experiences of grief and loss.

This was the point where I knew I wanted to understand more about grief and why we all deal with it so differently. Because I developed and processed so much through movement, I started to draft ideas of an immersive theatre show where the audience would be able to enter a sensory world and gain insight into multiple stories and experiences of grief and loss. This was the starting point of my latest work B O U N D.

I hope that B O U N D helps people to process and become more aware of the physical feelings of grief and also provide a bridge to conversations about alternative therapies and support.

B O U N D

B O U N D will run this summer, 25th August – 8th September 2024, in London Southbank’s raw five storey building known as Bargehouse. It is an immersive experience exploring nine stories of loss through movement, music and memories. There are a limited amount of free tickets for students – please email Amber if you’re interested!

Tickets info – https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/bound-tickets-780688128207?aff=oddtdtcreator

Email // amberjarmancrainey@outlook.com
Instagram // @amberjarmancrainey
Tiktok // @amberjarmancrainey
Website // amberjarmancrainey.com