By Anna May
There’s a real misconception in our culture that the ‘closure’ a funeral offers us, is the same as ‘closing’ off our grief. Funerals, or other rituals and memorial services, can give us a chance to publicly mourn with friends and family, to say goodbye, and to feel, wholly, the reality of our loss. This is an important part of grieving. But that does not mean it is the end of it.
For those closest to the person who has died, the period after the funeral, when we are expected to be feeling ‘better’, is often lonelier and more overwhelming than ever.
In the initial days and weeks after someone dies, we may well be in shock. The reality of what has happened can feel intensely emotional, but it hasn’t really sunk in. Or perhaps some people may feel completely disconnected and numb. We might also be too busy to really stop and feel. Organising the funeral, letting people know what has happened, closing bank accounts and other bits of ‘grief admin’ can keep us somewhat distracted from the pain.
These first few weeks are also the time people offer their condolences and support. We still need this months and years down the line, but usually, after the funeral, the cards and texts stop coming, the flowers die, and everyone else rushes back to ‘normal life’.
But life is not ‘normal’ for us. It can feel close to impossible to get on with day-to-day tasks, and it may become more and more obvious that the person is no longer here. This is often when the real grieving begins, and the pain can continue feeling raw for months and years down the line.
This is not a failure, or a sign that you are weak. It is totally normal to struggle to get back on track and move forward with your life, even after some time has passed. It won’t feel like this forever, but we can’t rush the process. Take things slowly, be kind to yourself, find ways to express how you are feeling, and reach out for support when you need it.