By Kathryn Ealand
This blog shares excerpts from an interview with The Student Grief Network founder, Anna, originally for the University of Leeds AHC Wellbeing newsletter. You can read the full article here.
Did you know that the famous ‘5 stages of grief’ was actually originally created in reference to people that have a terminal illness, rather than the process of grief in general? I didn’t, but speaking with the insightful and authentic Anna May, I learnt that the structure that many of us associate with the grieving process is often overapplied. Even that term ‘structure’ seems oxymoronic and inhumane when applied to an experience as complex and difficult as bereavement. Sharing how the Student Grief Network (SGN) came to be, the main aims of the programme, her experiences with the grieving process, and advice for those in the same situation, I was lucky enough to meet with and interview Anna this month, getting her insight on the unique challenges that are faced by university students that have experienced bereavement.
What are some of the unique challenges bereaved students face?
Anna spoke to me about some of hardest parts about being a student dealing with grief:
University is such a unique period of time in life, it comes with expectations and hopes and concerns. there’s a pressure to present yourself, to make the best friends, to be seen as interesting, to make the most of the experience, to explore who you are and what you want: it’s already overwhelming. When you add grief into this already complex picture, it can produce a strong internal conflict that can in turn manifest as guilt. Whilst you want to make the most of your time at university your inner world may be crumbling, your energy levels might have completed vanished, you’re no longer interested in what once excited you, you feel disconnected from your peers, and even when you are able to enjoy yourself, this comes full of guilt at feeling like you shouldn’t be able to have fun during this time. You can feel like you’re letting yourself, and the person that you’ve lost, down.
No matter how your grief manifests and you handle the process, you might feel a guilt at feeling as if you’re ‘doing it wrong’.
On top of all of this, there are are many practical admin elements that come with being a bereaved student: filling in forms, applying for extensions, looking into mitigating circumstances, all of this can feel insurmountable when you’re in the depths of grief, and the repeated filling out of forms can seem an impossible and inhumane requirement. Telling an academic supervisor of your situation, only for it to be followed by nothing but a form, makes the whole process seem uncompassionate and reductionist.
Additionally, one of the hardest things that Anna highlighted was the sense of embarrassment that can come from being a student that’s dealing with grief. At University it’s natural that many people want to be seen in a certain way, to be liked. Reflecting on her own experiences Anna remembers feeling a concern that grief didn’t fit into this ideal of cool and fun — of course grief isn’t actually embarrassing, but it can make you feel different from others. People can become awkward when you let them know about your situation and loss, they feel sorry for you, pity you. For some this response is too much, and they resort to locking up their emotions and hiding what they’re going through. Often you’re away from home, and away from the people grieving with you. It can be isolating, frustrating and lonely. The SGN works to provide a space where these feelings can be alleviated, you can share your experience with others in the same boat, and have open conversations about your experience.
What are some of the misconceptions about grief and the bereavement process?
Anna notes that another element of the SGN’s work is the shattering of some of the preconceived ideas that often surround conversations concerning grief and bereavement. The organisation works to encourage conversation on the topic and broaden people’s perceptions to the vast and complex realities that those grieving may be facing.
For example, there’s often the idea that every lost person is universally loved and missed, whilst in some cases the situation and relationships weren’t as straightforward as that, and thus, grief can feel even more complicated, with conflicting thoughts and feelings for the bereaved. In other cases there’s the idea that, after a year, the grief will have disappeared, whilst the reality is that there’s no set timeline for grieving.
The process is not chronological, and often it’s more accurate to experience fluctuations throughout: ‘taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back and 3 to side
As in Anna’s own experience, she also notes that hard moments, or big life changes, can cause grief to blow back up again, even years later, bringing it back to the centre of one’s life. Moving away from home, exam stress, breakups and illness: a whole manner of events can prompt grief to return, sometimes in completely new ways. Sometimes you’ll need a cry, sometimes you’ll need a laugh, sometimes you’ll want to go to the pub, and then sometimes you’ll want to come home and cry again. None of this is wrong, none of this is abnormal, there’s no correct form for grief to take.
Grieving is a lifelong process, but Anna comforts readers by saying that this doesn’t mean that you’ll be in intense pain forever. Whilst grief can represent our relationship with a person, and therefore not be something that we actually want to let go of, you won’t be actively grieving for the rest of your life: Anna reassures us that life can be good, that we can find a new normal, despite the ups and downs.
You can read the full article here:
AHC Wellbeing Newsletter: ‘Happy? Holidays’ – December 2024↗