By Anna May
Loss is often accompanied by feelings of regret, guilt or shame, and so I wanted to offer some thoughts on grief and self forgiveness.
We might beat ourselves up over the things we did or didn’t do, and the way that we are managing our grief. We might wish things had been different, and we might feel like are doing grief ‘wrong’.
The immensity of grief can make us feel overwhelmed and out of control. It is hard to tame, and so throws our imperfect nature into the light. This is difficult to face in a culture that often values control, perfectionism, and positivity.
But it’s okay to be messy and make mistakes – that’s part of being human!!
Here are some things you may want to forgive yourself for in relation to grief:
- Lashing out or shutting down in times of pain.
- Not saying or doing the right thing in the run up to their death.
- Not having the relationship we wanted with the person who died.
- Struggling with relationships with the people still here.
- Trying to ignore what’s going on or numbing out the pain.
- Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
- Being emotional and messy in a culture that says this is a flaw (disclaimer: it’s not).
- Not functioning in the ways we’re used to – letting people down, failing at tasks, feeling overwhelmed etc.
- Not being there to support the people around you who are also dealing with stuff.
- Having moments where you forget your grief.
- Feeling happy and starting to rebuild your life without them.
Remember that there is nothing wrong with forgiving ourselves and enjoying our lives without this person, once we feel ready. We can still honour their life and our grief while moving forward in healthy ways. And it is normal to do this imperfectly. You’ve gone through a lot, be gentle with yourself.