By Anna May
Early adulthood is usually seen as a time of exploration and opportunity, a time to make mistakes, and to have fun. My late teens and early twenties felt a long way from these carefree expectations. I was trying to keep up with all the things my friends were doing, but I was also dealing with grief – for my brother, who died when I was a child, and then for my Dad, who died while I was at university.
In this article I want to share a few things I’ve learnt about grieving as a young adult, from my own experience, and from conversations with hundreds of others.
Let’s start with the question, what is grief? It’s hard to define and is different for everyone. Many people think grief is about feeling sad and missing a person, but it’s usually more complex. It can lead to a whole range of emotions, like anger, anxiety and guilt, and sometimes feeling completely numb. It can also impact our bodies, for example giving us headaches or digestive issues, and affecting our sleep and our energy levels. Grief can also affect our daily routines, our relationships, our identity, and our whole perspective of the world.
In a time of uncertainty – no longer a child, but not yet a fully established adult – grief can be particularly disorienting and lonely. While peers may be focused on building their futures, grieving young adults are trying to make sense of a world that has suddenly and painfully shifted. Early adulthood brings major life transitions, such as going to university, starting work, forming relationships, and moving away from home. Instead of exploring new opportunities and figuring out who we are, we might just be staying afloat, trying to grasp on to some sense of stability.
It is normal for young people to be questioning their identity, and grief can bring even more questions. I found myself asking ‘What do I even like anymore? What do I want to do with my life? What kind of relationships do I want? Who am I other than the person who’s brother and dad has died?’ as well as more existential questions like ‘what is the meaning of life?!’ (still haven’t figured that one out…).
Often, we’re the first in our peer group to experience loss, which can make the experience feel unfair and isolating. We might ask questions like “Why me?” or “Why now?”. We might feel like we have to grow up too fast, leaving behind the more carefree, playful parts of ourselves. It can feel like there is no space to explore and enjoy life, which can make us feel like we’re falling behind or missing out. Often it seems like the people around us don’t understand, or don’t care, as they carry on with their ‘normal’ lives, leading to feelings of jealousy, frustration and disconnection.
Many young people find that losing someone makes them more anxious – for example, about the future, our health, and the safety of others. We might feel like we’re always waiting for the next bad thing to happen, finding it hard to let go and enjoy life. Others may respond in the opposite way, embracing a more spontaneous attitude, driven by the belief that “the worst has already happened” and a desire to make the most of life.
Many people share how grief has deepened their empathy, strengthened relationships, and helped them think about their priorities. But it’s also okay if you don’t feel like you have ‘grown’ or found a silver lining. Sometimes grief is just really really awful.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different and there is no rule book for feeling better. It takes time, but it is possible to build a happy and meaningful life, despite everything that has happened. Remember that you’re not alone and there is support out there.
For some guidance on supporting yourself through grief, take a look our ‘Tips for managing grief’ page and for a list of organisations that can help, through counselling, support groups, podcasts etc., take a look at our ‘Support for students’ page.