Bringing visibility to baby loss

Introduction by Anna May, with information and quotes from Tommy’s; Lost Words Coaching; and Aching Arms.

Pregnancy and baby loss is a deeply personal and often invisible experience, yet it touches far more lives than many realise – even within university communities. For students, navigating grief while balancing academic pressures, social expectations, and future plans can feel overwhelming and lonely. Baby loss can feel particularly isolating because it often happens behind closed door – others may not even know you were expecting, or if they did, there is still a lot of stigma stemming from the misconception that pregnancy/baby loss is less significant or easier to ‘get over.’ Many people avoid the topic because they fear saying the wrong thing, leaving parents to deal with loss alone.

Here we wanted to highlight a few perspectives from some organisations that support people through baby loss – you can check them out using the links below.

Tommy’s: Common feelings after your baby has died

Grief is not just one feeling but many. People can go through many different emotions while grieving and in no particular order. Every parent will react differently. Here are some common feelings bereaved parents have described. You may not have all of them.

Shock – you may find it hard to believe your baby has died, even if you expected it to happen. You may feel numb. You may not be able to think straight or manage everyday things.
Guilt – many parents blame themselves for what happened or think they have failed their baby, even if they know they could not have prevented it. With time, some parents also feel guilty when they start thinking about something other than their baby.
Anger – a natural part of grief. You might feel angry at the hospital, parents of healthy babies, or others who don’t understand what you’re going through, including friends or family. You may feel angry with yourself. It may feel incredibly unfair that this has happened to you.
Jealousy – it can be hard seeing people with children or walking past baby things in shops. You may find yourself feeling jealous, resentful, or find it difficult to be happy for someone else if they are pregnant or have healthy babies. This can be difficult to cope with, especially if it is affecting important relationships. You might feel guilty about how you feel. But these are natural feelings.#
Frighteningly intense grief – some parents have described their grief for their baby as enormous, seemingly unending and uncontrollable. Many parents we have spoken to have talked about the intensity of their grief and pain.

Read more and get support: Baby loss information and support | Tommy’s

Lost Words Coaching: Baby loss and people pleasing

When your baby dies, the world doesn’t stop, even if yours has. Your sick note expires, work beckons, invitations to baby showers and birthday parties continue to arrive. You may feel a crushing pressure to be reliable, to avoid being a hassle, or to protect others from the raw, awkward, silence of your loss.

But with this comes an internal conflict: our own pain versus the need to protect others from sadness. Whether you are the partner trying to be “the strong and steady one,” or the parent hiding their tears to protect their living children, we frequently prioritise the comfort of others over our own healing. We suppress anxiety, avoid awkward conversations, and host guests in spotless homes while feeling sheer exhaustion and pain.

Putting the well-being of others before your own when you are dealing with the loss of a baby is not sustainable and will leave you emotionally exhausted.

There is no right way to grieve, but it must be your way, not a process recommended by the influencers on social media, or by a well-meaning friend: your grief, your way. If another bereaved parent finds solace in yoga or religion, that doesn’t mean it is your blueprint. It is okay to say: “Thank you for the support, but this isn’t what I need right now.”

To work through your grief on your own terms:

Release the pressure: You don’t need to support everyone else at the detriment of your own well-being.
Reject the rules: There is no guidebook for baby loss. What works for some may not work for you.
Prioritise your narrative: Connect with your own priorities and allow yourself to be seen in your authentic pain.

Accepting that your journey is unique is the first step toward self-compassion. Your story doesn’t need to be a performance for the benefit of others; it belongs to you.

Leanne, founder of Aching Arms, lost her baby while she was studying. Her experience led to the creation of the Aching Arms bears and in June 2010, they began providing these to bereaved parents through hospitals and posting them directly.

“In May 2009 my heart shattered into a million pieces when our baby was diagnosed with a fatal condition at the 21-week anomaly scan. He died soon after and I delivered him by an induced natural labour two weeks later. My partner Mark and I named our son James, we held him, touched him and told him we loved him.

The loss was devastating, it was like nothing I had faced before and my arms ached. It was a real and physical feeling. I needed to hold my baby, but instead Mark and I just clung to each other. Then a dear friend sent me a soft throw blanket and it was like she was sending me a hug, wrapping me in her love and support. She told me she sent it in the hope I would feel comforted and that it would be something tangible in her absence. I clung to it, the ache eased and I could finally sleep.”

Read more and get support: Aching Arms Charity

The Student Grief Network