The Student Grief Network

By Anna May

Friends play an important role in our lives. Maybe they were the best person to make you laugh, or the one who always listened. Others can help to fill this space when a friend dies, but at first it may feel like a key part of your life is missing.

You may wish you had spent more time with them, been more supportive, or told them what they meant to you. You might feel guilty for carrying on without them.

You may also miss the carefree life you had before they died. You might see the world as a more serious place and feel unsure about who you are. You might try to rush back to how things were but find ‘normal’ hard to connect to.

The dynamics of your group could shift, becoming sombre, awkward, frustrating or tense, especially if people are handling the loss in different ways. But grief can also prompt new levels of connection, with more meaning and appreciation.

If you weren’t family or ‘best’ friends, you may feel confused about how much you should be grieving. Some people may dismiss how much it’s impacting you, or you might feel like you can’t show your emotions because others ‘have it worse’.

Losing a friend can also shake your sense of security. You may start to think about your own mortality and feel anxious about the safety of those around you. Some people get stuck always anticipating the next bad thing that might happen.

It might feel like everyone know about your loss and acts weird around you. Like the first time back in a lecture or going out there’s a big sign over your head. It can feel humiliating and lonely, almost like you’ve done something wrong or are seen as ‘different’ now.

Common experiences:

• Big emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety.
• Shock, numbness, feeling dazed, confused or empty.
• Physical symptoms e.g. headaches, sickness, chest pain, exhaustion.
• Difficulty doing simple tasks or concentrating on work.
• Feeling disconnected or misunderstood.
• Changes to your friendship group. Not feeling like you can’t have fun together anymore. Possible tension as people deal with grief in different ways. Some friendships might get stronger.
• Questioning your identity, your interests and your normal routine. Feeling lost.
• Existential or spiritual crisis.
• Difficulty understanding and/or communicating how you feel.
• Feeling like your grief isn’t as important (e.g. in comparison to our friend’s parents).
• Questioning our own mortality, worrying about others and ourselves.
• You may miss the life you had before they died and feel like it is unfair.

What can help?

Different things will work for different people, and what you need might change from day to day. Try to listen to what you need – this might look like a slow walk in nature and an afternoon in bed, or you may want to go for a run or meet up with friends. Try to be gentle on yourself – it’s normal to be a bit of a mess after someone dies!

Feel

Many of us bottle up our grief and distract ourselves when we feel emotions bubbling up. It’s normal to sometimes feel numb, or want distractions, but feeling your feelings is a really important part of processing grief. If we don’t, we may end up feeling very heavy, stuck, or experiencing other problems later on.

Express

Find a way to express your grief and remember the person who has died. This could be talking – to someone you’re close with, or maybe someone less connected to the situation like a tutor, a counsellor, or in a support group. If you don’t feel comfortable or aren’t sure who to turn to, you could try writing it down.

Rest

Grief can be exhausting. Take one day at a time and listen to your body. Don’t feel pressured to keep up with your normal routine or with what everyone else is doing. Ask for help and don’t be hard on yourself if things seem to be falling apart.

Slowing down gives our bodies space to process emotions. Being busy with distractions can help sometimes, but resting helps our hearts to heal.

Move

It can be good to get out of your mind and into your body. This could be intense exercise or as gentle as a walk and a stretch. Ask yourself: what would feel good in this moment?

Movement can help shift difficult emotions and is a good way to get some fresh air or time in nature, if you are able to exercise outside. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you could try yoga. This video might be a good place to start: ‘Yoga for Grief’

Connect

Connect to things that make you feel good. This might mean being out and about with others, or maybe walking in nature, or spending an evening by yourself. You don’t need to feel guilty for feeling better or enjoying yourself – it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person who has died. It’s okay to say no too, if you don’t feel ready or if your interests have changed.

Podcast recommendations:

Podcast recommendations: