What we need from relationships can change with grief

By Anna May

What we need from people – partners, friends, family, colleagues, or otherwise – can change when we’re going through something difficult. Smooth-sailing relationships can become tricky as our interests, perspective of the world, and emotional needs start to clash, and miscommunication becomes the norm.

It’s common when we’re grieving that we start seeking deeper emotional connections in the people around us. We may want relationships where we can talk about the big stuff, and not just talk – feel the big stuff too. But we may find the other people in our life don’t know how to deal with that. Perhaps they feel awkward, don’t know what to say, hope that you feel better and ask you to act ‘strong’ instead of allowing you to express yourself. It can feel isolating when the immensity of our grief isn’t acknowledged like we want it to be. We may start to hide our grief, or we may cut ourselves off from these people.

We live in a society that hardly knows how to talk about death and grief, let alone support someone in a consistent, compassionate way. Most people have good intentions but are unequipped.

Often, this isn’t because the other people in our life are bad people. We live in a society that hardly knows how to talk about death and grief, let alone support someone in a consistent, compassionate way. Most people have good intentions but are unequipped. And sometimes we’re not communicating very well either. We might be expecting people to turn up with all the answers, but giving them no indication of the support that we need. This is hard on us, as grievers, because often we don’t know exactly what we need, let alone how to ask for that.

It can also feel difficult to make new friendships, or date new people. It can feel strange to let someone you hardly know into such an intimate and intense part of your life, but it can also feel strange not to – if you hide it, are you hiding part of who you are? What if you get too many months into a relationship without telling them? But on the other hand, what if you tell them straight way and it comes across as way too intense?

It’s possible for relationships to shift in a positive way too, responding to your new needs, and deepening to something more supportive and meaningful. This may not be with the people you expected. Lots of people say that the people they expected to show up didn’t, but a number of people they didn’t expect suddenly become important and wonderful pillars of support.

Take a moment to reflect: How has grief impacted your relationships? Is there anything you can do to communicate your needs and ask for the support that you need? How can you be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges that grief brings to relationships?

If you’re looking to connect with others who get it, you can join our free online peer support group, or look into other bereavement spaces that are relevant to you by searching on ataloss.org.